MY LIFE IN A GHOSTLY BUSH

Ask me anything   http://chaotopian.tumblr.com/    

This is a journal a diary about the films & TV shows I watch, the books I read, the shows I see, the music I listen to, the artistic work I do and the obsessions I have - current obsessions include Meiko Kaji, Miki Sugimoto, Pinky Violence and Exploitation/Grindhouse cinema. My long standing obsessions are magic and the occult, theatre, performance, films, music, martial arts. I have a long term problem with depression and addiction, so some posts are dedicated to dealing with that. Mostly not my own stuff but some is, if you want credit or want it removed do the usual...Tumblr conversation is appreciated. for my darker side and my obsession with the world of exploitation http://chaotopian.tumblr.com/

Theatre shows I’ve seen this year

I saw my students Soundboxed Collective at Anatums abode in Limehouse In January, and I saw them again at Theatre Delicatessan - I aslo worked with them a little in between.

I saw Will’s show about his Grandmother at The Camden peoples Theatre on March 10 and Ming Beasts show on March 12.

I saw Alex Parks Rose Bruford show Chamenos Collective at The Vaults March 1

— 1 week ago
IANCU DUMITRESCU & ANA-MARIA AVRAM

IANCU DUMITRESCU & ANA-MARIA AVRAM + GUESTS TIM HODGKINSON + YONI SILVER + JONATHAN TRUSCOTT + EISA BERGERSEN

Iancu Dumitrescu

Thursday 3 April 2014

Door Times : 8pm

Tickets : £8 adv / £10 on the door

A return to OTO for Romanian spectralist composers Iancu Dumitrescu and Ana-Maria Avram after their enthralling show at OTO with The Hyperion Ensemble, Tim Hodgkinson, Chris Cutler and Stephen O’Malley last year. 

Iancu Dumitrescu is considered one of the leaders of the spectral music trend at a worldwide level. In 1976 he founded the HYPERION Ensemble, proposing a new aesthetic in today’s music, hyper-spectral, based on the radiant power of sound, within its microcosmic complexity - which is questioned, analyzed, re-composed ​​from a spectral perspective. Ana-Maria Avram is a composer, pianist, conductor, born in 1961 in Bucharest, Romania. She studied composition at the National University of Music- Bucharest and musical aesthetics at Sorbonne, Paris. She has been a member of the Hyperion Ensemble since 1988. Her music is affiliated with the spectral music trend and incorporates the outward semblance of abstraction of archetypal sound, achieving its full development in the synthesis of electroacoustic and instrumental sources. 

— 1 week ago
Poem from 2009

I…i…i…

I feel like i don’t exist

I have no grip, no purchase on the world

I do not adhere to anything

I live in pain, all the time a slow aching pain

I want someone to hold

I want to be loved, i want to be able to love someone…really

I want to feel like i exist, as if i’m real

I want to believe in something again without being eaten alive by it

I don’t want to be owned no more

I don’t want to be someone’s bitch

I want to feel able for once in my life

I want to not live in need, constantly needing someone to help me

I feel so alone, so without connection, without love, with nothing

I want to be able to do and to give

I want to feel like something, without feeling owned, like someone’s bitch

I can’t can’t function no more

I can’t fulfil my basic fucking needs

I feel like no-one and nothing

I don’t want to feel as if i am being constantly told what i am

You don’t know who i am but you tell me what i can do, what i’m supposed to do, to be you know nothing, to do you know everything don’t you, don’t you! It’s all about doing with you isn’t it! Being is nothing, to be someone you have to do don’t you, you have to do something to be someone, you can’t just be can you?

I feel forgotten

I don’t know who i am anymore

I just feel the old pain that’s all

The old pain but nothing to believe in, nothing to care about

I grieve, my name is Grieve and i grieve

I had nothing but i lost everything how can that be?

I don’t know who i am

I don’t feel like anyone when i am alone

My purpose is non-existent

I don’t exist, i am with no-one and i don’t exist

I don’t connect

I can’t understand anything around me

I can’t understand why anything happens

I don’t know how to function

I can’t look after myself

I can’t fulfil my basic needs

I want to die

I want to put a rope around my neck and jump off the balcony

And hang there, for all the fuckers in this block to see

 

— 3 weeks ago
LONELINESS

Loneliness is not a lack of people to talk to, dating, going out or having sex … This is grace!
Loneliness is not the feeling we experience the absence of loved ones who can not come back … This is nostalgia!
Loneliness is not voluntary retreat that we are imposing, sometimes to realign the thoughts … This is balance!
Loneliness is not the involuntary cloister that fate imposes compulsory … This is a principle of nature!
Loneliness is not empty of people on our side … This and circumstance!
Loneliness is much more than this …
Loneliness is when we lose ourselves and look in vain for our soul.

Francisco Buarque de Hollanda (poet, composer and singer)

Solidão não é a falta de gente para conversar, namorar, passear ou fazer sexo… Isto é carência!
Solidão não é o sentimento que experimentamos pela ausência de entes queridos que não podem mais voltar… Isto é saudade!
Solidão não é o retiro voluntário que a gente se impõe, às vezes para realinhar os pensamentos… Isto é equilíbrio!
Solidão não é o claustro involuntário que o destino nos impõe compulsoriamente… Isto é um princípio da natureza!
Solidão não é o vazio de gente ao nosso lado… Isto e circunstância!
Solidão é muito mais do que isto…
SOLIDÃO é quando nos perdemos de nós mesmos e procuramos em vão pela nossa alma.

Francisco Buarque de Holanda (Poeta, compositor e cantor)

— 1 month ago
Nick Cave Push the Sky Away - great record

Nick Cave Push the Sky Away - great record

— 1 month ago
#Push the Sky Away  #Nick Cave  #Music 
Contrastate at the 12th Wroclaw Industrial Festival

Contrastate at the 12th Wroclaw Industrial Festival

— 1 month ago with 8 notes
#My work  #music  #industrial music  #Wroclaw Industrial Festival 
Stray Cat Rock: Deliquent Girl Boss - saw it at The Prince Charles as part of the Terracotta film club

Stray Cat Rock: Deliquent Girl Boss - saw it at The Prince Charles as part of the Terracotta film club

— 1 month ago with 4 notes
#Stray Cat Rock: Deliquent Girl Boss  #pinky violence  #meiko kaji  #japanese films  #japanese  #films 
usefiul book but she can’t write

usefiul book but she can’t write

— 2 months ago
#Books  #Love Addiction